I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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