Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize