I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
