i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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