sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
