I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
