He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
