He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
