I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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