Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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