i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Jerry, you need to find god
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
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