i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
