I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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