Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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