Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
