By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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