If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
