I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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