and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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