There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
