I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Randomize