Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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