the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
