he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
