I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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