The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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