I like to think it a success when the cops are called
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
