her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
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