This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
she pinky promised me she was 18
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
