I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
