Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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