take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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