im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
