Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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