i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
