somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
only if we run a train.
done.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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