before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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