Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
