i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
