I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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