paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
that's an acceptable place to lick
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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