guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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