I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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