If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
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