so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
