Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
