does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
