maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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