Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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