dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
dude i'm inner monologue high
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
