tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
