mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
