dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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